This is the first post in a series where I answer your questions about consent, healthy relationships, and really whatever you think I can answer for you.
I really love this weeks question, and I am super excited about answering it. And as always, if anyone has anything constructive to add, please feel free to comment/email me about it.
“I have sexual fantasies about non-consensual sex. I don’t want to enact them in real life because I think its the real belief that non-consensual is sexy. Do you think its dangerous/fucked up to keep fantasizing this way? Any other thoughts? -A queer, consent-passionate empathetic person with some scary/strange thoughts”
Dear Consent-passionate empathetic person,
This is an excellent question and brings up a few really important things. I am going to discuss your question in three parts.
- Guilt about Sexual Fantasies
- Consensual Non-Consent
- You are Normal
Guilt about Sexual Fantasies
No, I do not think that it is fucked up or dangerous to continue fantasizing this way. And why is that? I think it is totally healthy to have whatever fantasies you have. I am a firm believer that there are no bad thoughts, only bad actions. And because you are a consent-passionate person, and are already thinking about why getting turned on by the idea non-consensual could be problematic, I am inferring that you have no intentions of raping anyone.
Fantasies come from the world around us, and we are influenced by what we live in and consume every day. Life is pretty fucked up sometimes. We live in a really problematic society where violence is very eroticized, and where sex is seen as this hunter/prey game that is well, rape culture. rape culture. rape culture.
It makes rational sense that you would have these fantasies. If these fantasies mean anything, it is that you are a well socialized person.
There is a way to act on your non-consensual fantasies that is healthy, good, not rape, and totally political and radical.
I am going to talk about Kink pretty graphically. So Trigger Warning. (and Dad, if /when you’re reading this, know that I am having a great time at college).
Kink is all about playing with all the fucked up terrible stuff in the world and mocking it in your play. Consensual Non-Consent, or CNC as it is fondly referred to in the kink community, is about taking sexual violence and mocking it, playing with it, and reclaiming it. The math kind of goes like this:
at least 2 Consent minded empathetic people + Fantasies about Non-Consent + Negotiating boundaries and limits and safewords+ Consenting to have a “rape” scene = A good time had by all
What might CNC look like? It could look like a lot of things. It might look exactly like rape, it might look like physical resistance, it may look like someone saying “no” and the other person continuing to force themselves upon their play partner. What makes CNC positive, and not sexual violence, is that pre-determined boundaries are respected, the scene is planned out, and any person involved can say “broccoli” (safeword) or “Red” and everything stops.
What makes CNC a positive, good thing is the consent. There are lots of great books and resources for how to negotiate a CNC scene. I suggest joining fetlife.com for more information about kink and support from consent minded community.
You Are Normal
It is okay to have these fantasies. A lot of others have these fantasies. You are not alone. You are normal. What you want from sex is normal. Asking these questions is normal. Feeling guilt for what you want from sex is also normal. It is normal, and okay, to have fantasies about Non-consensual interactions. Just be sure to never act on them in a way that is actually non-consensual.
I really hope that helps. Send me an email/comments with any questions you may have.